I was writing about how much, right now, I dislike autism.
I still do. But. My zoo friend gave me missing names so I edited my zoo post to add names. So happy to do that. And he says when are we to go next, so exciting. And I got my big literature review paper back from my teacher with good comments, encouragement, many helpful suggestions for edits. Such a happy thing. This weekend I will work out the edits and finish it up. May be ask J. to review it one more time for me.
I still dislike autism. I just am easily distracted from unpleasant emotions. I like this about me. Even though others say it is a bad thing. I think it is good, a happier existence definitely.
Anyways. Here is what I was writing.
I had good idea to use gloves to pull hay for the animals. So much less painful to fill the blue bucket with hay while wearing gloves. Should have thought of that before. I like smell of hay. Not just for reminding of horses. But that too. It is just so painful on fragile skin.
I have a new sticker on my motorcycle. It worries me to be pulled over by police and have no way to say it is not gun I am getting, just (lightwriter/paper/whatever) so I can talk. Now there is sticker for me to point to. It is huge painful unhappy dizzying stomach-sickening emotion. Hate for autism.
Dislike the reminder of my broken brain. The limitations that no amount of effort or intelligence can compensate for. The knowledge that I am so limited is the worst feeling I have ever experienced.
If I could make autism go away, right now I would do it. Not always. Not usually. But right now yes.
I dislike this broken brain. I want a new one.
Just to clarify. It is not me I dislike. Just the autism. Yes I know I cannot really separate the autism from who I am. It does not help to tell me this. It does not help to hear people say how they think I am a wonderful person. I know this already, I am not that stupid.