It was supposed to arrive on Monday, the Fed Ex people left a door tag for me to sign so they could leave it the next day. I did sign it and promptly put it out on the door. I also made a sign that said to leave the package in the (open) garage out of the rain, and signed that too and taped it to the door next to the door tag. That is more than enough to permit them to leave the package.
They have not returned since. I can understand them not coming yesterday, it was thanksgiving and a federal holiday. But Tuesday and Wednesday were package delivering days. And yet, no package.
It is not that I even want the package, right now I am not sure I would do more than open the box and get it charging, I do not have any interest in touching it at all. I just do not like the stress of waiting for it. It is very painful, this waiting. It feels like burning poison sliding through my brain, this waiting.
Unspecific waiting is always painful to varying degrees, it is not just that I don't bother trying to be patient. It is physically causing me pain. And for this type of waiting, the uncertainty make sit even worse. Waiting is only tolerable (as in not so painful) when I know exactly how long I will be waiting.
I want the package to arrive today, so I can breath right again. So I can focus on other things. Those three term papers and the final exam questions that are due next week, none of which I've been able to work on because of this. And, the fixing of my motorcycle. The work on the generator. The research on the belt problems the blue pickup is having. So many things that must be done soon, and I cannot do any of it because the pain of the package not having arrived is too overwhelming.
Nov 25, 2011
Nov 19, 2011
Curiousity about who reads my journal
According to the stats on keyword searches, 78.3% are finding my journal searching for horses and finding the post I had last May with all the horse pictures. Of the last 20 visits to my journal yesterday, 19 were searches for horses. I have hidden that page from public view. That should reduce the number of searches and keywords for horses.
There has been an average of 37.42 "unique visits" per week since I started last December, after removing the numbers for around the month of June*. I am curious to see how much those numbers will go down now that the horses post is gone. That will be interesting. There is of course no way to track the numbers from those who use sites like Google Reader.
I know that J. occasionally reads my journal, he has mentioned things I have written a few times. Other than J., I do not know who could be reading what I write. I suppose the person who insisted that I should write and said my writing would be interesting might be reading but I do not know.
It does not matter of course, I am just curious. As I wrote in my first post, I write because it is necessary to maintain my ability with words. I suppose I will continue needing the practice until I die, or until I decide to give up my ability to communicate in words. That is frustrating. It makes me feel tired.
This is the first time I have a publicly accessible journal. So it is not surprising to me that I am curious about who is reading it. It makes no actual difference to me who is reading, or how many. It is just something to write about when my mind is fixated on things that I do not want to write about.
I wish it was more interesting, easier, not necessary, to write. That is why I sometimes make posts with pictures, which are more interesting and meaningful than words. My paper journals had other things even more interesting and meaningful than pictures: bits of flowers, leaves, stickers, textured objects, tickets, clipped bits of coloured paper, pictures, drawings, and other things glued in to the pages. The journals had interesting textured covers in pretty colours. Touchable designs, bumps and dips. Lacing with cords or ribbons. Things that my fingers would rub over and over. To make it interesting to me, to relate to the day I was writing about, so I am not too overwhelmed with the task of writing. Pictures are not as interesting and not at all touchable, but much better than just words.
* Those outliers raised the average to 147.3 visits per week, which is absurd and makes no sense. Also, that was shortly after I posted the horse pictures. That is why I removed those.
There has been an average of 37.42 "unique visits" per week since I started last December, after removing the numbers for around the month of June*. I am curious to see how much those numbers will go down now that the horses post is gone. That will be interesting. There is of course no way to track the numbers from those who use sites like Google Reader.
I know that J. occasionally reads my journal, he has mentioned things I have written a few times. Other than J., I do not know who could be reading what I write. I suppose the person who insisted that I should write and said my writing would be interesting might be reading but I do not know.
It does not matter of course, I am just curious. As I wrote in my first post, I write because it is necessary to maintain my ability with words. I suppose I will continue needing the practice until I die, or until I decide to give up my ability to communicate in words. That is frustrating. It makes me feel tired.
This is the first time I have a publicly accessible journal. So it is not surprising to me that I am curious about who is reading it. It makes no actual difference to me who is reading, or how many. It is just something to write about when my mind is fixated on things that I do not want to write about.
I wish it was more interesting, easier, not necessary, to write. That is why I sometimes make posts with pictures, which are more interesting and meaningful than words. My paper journals had other things even more interesting and meaningful than pictures: bits of flowers, leaves, stickers, textured objects, tickets, clipped bits of coloured paper, pictures, drawings, and other things glued in to the pages. The journals had interesting textured covers in pretty colours. Touchable designs, bumps and dips. Lacing with cords or ribbons. Things that my fingers would rub over and over. To make it interesting to me, to relate to the day I was writing about, so I am not too overwhelmed with the task of writing. Pictures are not as interesting and not at all touchable, but much better than just words.
* Those outliers raised the average to 147.3 visits per week, which is absurd and makes no sense. Also, that was shortly after I posted the horse pictures. That is why I removed those.
Nov 16, 2011
Disruptive Change
J. is gone for the week, to a conference for work. Especially on Monday, everything felt wrong, tears kept leaking out of my eyes and I accomplished very little. Even now, my head keeps hurting and I do not know why but everything seems to be in the wrong places.
Wolf says that it is just upset routine, I got used to J. being around so of course it is difficult when he is gone. Wolf is right, I think. Of course he always is right. I have gotten used to that. It is a comforting thing. Most everything about Wolf is comforting.
I got used to J.'s presence supplying the cues I need to remember some of the daily living tasks, that I am now forgetting in addition to the ones I was normally forgetting before. So even less is getting accomplished. There are so many things that must be done every day that have no innate cues that I can connect to the action needed.
For example when I keep having to brush hair out of my face, instead of getting frustrated I should realize that it is my bangs that need cutting. But I do not, it can take me months to remember to do that. I should be able to connect these actions to how my body feels and what I need to do. But I can't most of the time, it is so difficult and I have no idea why. It should not be difficult.
So I am reminded, again, of how incapable I am. How I could not live alone for long without having serious problems. How I get sick when I try. It is frustrating. Even if I could afford to live by myself, even if I wanted to (which I do not since I like being here with J. a lot), I could not do so safely.
J. returns in a few days, and I will be glad to see him. Not primarily for the regaining of routines. But that too will be a relief. It is easier when I do not have proof of incompetence so visible around me.
Wolf said I would be alright. I always survive, but meanwhile it is uncomfortable. So for that, I am going to bed early. To my pile of heavy blankets, with the electric blanket getting them all warmed up for me. All my stuffed animals packed in tightly around me. A comfortable place. No I am not depressed, I am not sleeping more. I am just going to enjoy a comfortable place with comfortable sensations. Weight and warmth and softness and steady pressure against my body. I do this when I feel sick, or have a headache, or am confused or frustrating. But past therapists always insist it is a sign of depression.
Maybe in others it is, I do not know. In me, it is a sign of good. Me taking pleasure in something, hardly a classic sign of depression. When I got depressed, I did not try to do comfortable things.
So grateful for not having to deal with a therapist's mistaken ideas.
Wolf says that it is just upset routine, I got used to J. being around so of course it is difficult when he is gone. Wolf is right, I think. Of course he always is right. I have gotten used to that. It is a comforting thing. Most everything about Wolf is comforting.
I got used to J.'s presence supplying the cues I need to remember some of the daily living tasks, that I am now forgetting in addition to the ones I was normally forgetting before. So even less is getting accomplished. There are so many things that must be done every day that have no innate cues that I can connect to the action needed.
For example when I keep having to brush hair out of my face, instead of getting frustrated I should realize that it is my bangs that need cutting. But I do not, it can take me months to remember to do that. I should be able to connect these actions to how my body feels and what I need to do. But I can't most of the time, it is so difficult and I have no idea why. It should not be difficult.
So I am reminded, again, of how incapable I am. How I could not live alone for long without having serious problems. How I get sick when I try. It is frustrating. Even if I could afford to live by myself, even if I wanted to (which I do not since I like being here with J. a lot), I could not do so safely.
J. returns in a few days, and I will be glad to see him. Not primarily for the regaining of routines. But that too will be a relief. It is easier when I do not have proof of incompetence so visible around me.
Wolf said I would be alright. I always survive, but meanwhile it is uncomfortable. So for that, I am going to bed early. To my pile of heavy blankets, with the electric blanket getting them all warmed up for me. All my stuffed animals packed in tightly around me. A comfortable place. No I am not depressed, I am not sleeping more. I am just going to enjoy a comfortable place with comfortable sensations. Weight and warmth and softness and steady pressure against my body. I do this when I feel sick, or have a headache, or am confused or frustrating. But past therapists always insist it is a sign of depression.
Maybe in others it is, I do not know. In me, it is a sign of good. Me taking pleasure in something, hardly a classic sign of depression. When I got depressed, I did not try to do comfortable things.
So grateful for not having to deal with a therapist's mistaken ideas.
Nov 13, 2011
Confusing midterm exam
One of my classes, the ornithology one, has a "take-home" midterm exam. I have done those before. I get to type it instead of handwrite so it is easier and less painful. I get to take more time, more breaks, and have more choices in what to do during breaks. I also get to choose the environment I do the test in, and have a much greater ability to modify that environment. So. It is less stressful and I tend to score better.
But this exam it is confusing. I have never had an exam that required research, references for the information given. It is a hybrid between a research project and an exam, with some aspects of a literature review. I am lost on a lot of aspects for it, and the teacher did not give adequate enough time for me to email him questions.
I am almost done with it, but I have almost no confidence in obtaining a good score on it despite having spent much time reviewing all the class materials, notes, textbook, website, and extensive library research.
He said references rather than citations, and specified to put them all at the end of the exam rather than in-line with the text. So I am fairly certain he wants actual references and not literature citations. But then, how to indicate which references are to which question? Literature citations are the right way to do that, but those require in-line citations and that is what he said not to do.
I will get stuck on the last question. It is ridiculous, unanswerable. It asks whether a parrot or a crow would win if they played chess. Neither bird is capable of learning that game or of actually playing it. I could use various intelligence measures to determine which bird is considered smarter. It is more of an opinion than actual fact and depends on the methods used. But that does not answer the question.
I also know that the teacher is extremely biased in favor of corvids, he even said in class that he resents the intelligence of parrots. He considers birds in general to be superiour to mammals. Given that, how do I answer this question truthfully while displaying the knowledge this test is designed to make me demonstrate, without making absurd assumptions or using unqualified opinions?
I dislike it when teachers ask such stupid questions as part of exams. I do not find such types of questions funny.
I will be glad when this is done. Then I can focus on actual research projects, two of them, that will be done properly and with specific standardized rules and formats.
But this exam it is confusing. I have never had an exam that required research, references for the information given. It is a hybrid between a research project and an exam, with some aspects of a literature review. I am lost on a lot of aspects for it, and the teacher did not give adequate enough time for me to email him questions.
I am almost done with it, but I have almost no confidence in obtaining a good score on it despite having spent much time reviewing all the class materials, notes, textbook, website, and extensive library research.
He said references rather than citations, and specified to put them all at the end of the exam rather than in-line with the text. So I am fairly certain he wants actual references and not literature citations. But then, how to indicate which references are to which question? Literature citations are the right way to do that, but those require in-line citations and that is what he said not to do.
I will get stuck on the last question. It is ridiculous, unanswerable. It asks whether a parrot or a crow would win if they played chess. Neither bird is capable of learning that game or of actually playing it. I could use various intelligence measures to determine which bird is considered smarter. It is more of an opinion than actual fact and depends on the methods used. But that does not answer the question.
I also know that the teacher is extremely biased in favor of corvids, he even said in class that he resents the intelligence of parrots. He considers birds in general to be superiour to mammals. Given that, how do I answer this question truthfully while displaying the knowledge this test is designed to make me demonstrate, without making absurd assumptions or using unqualified opinions?
I dislike it when teachers ask such stupid questions as part of exams. I do not find such types of questions funny.
I will be glad when this is done. Then I can focus on actual research projects, two of them, that will be done properly and with specific standardized rules and formats.
Nov 10, 2011
When I want to go but cannot
J.'s company is doing a christmas cruise event and he invited me to go with him. I wanted to. It would have been interesting, I think. Stressful and exhausting, of course. Social events are always stressful and party-type events are more stressful than regular events. But usually if it is not more than a few hours long and there is a set time to leave that I know and can anticipate and I have my watch, it is tolerable. And interesting.
But it causes J. stress, the way I act in social situations. This has been the case for everyone I have ever known, no one has ever been ok with me and how I am in social event situations. So I told him that I would not go. I do not want to cause him stress, it is not fair to spoil his enjoyment of the event just because I want to go too. I do not need to go. It is easier for everyone if I just stay home. It is my choice, so that is the choice I made. I know it is the right one, but it is sad. I wish it were otherwise.
There have been and are MANY events like this, that I think I would find interesting but do not go. Sometimes, I do not go because I do not want to cause others stress and ruin their enjoyment of the event. This seems unavoidable, if I go to social events with someone I always ruin their enjoyment of the event no matter how hard I try to act perfectly. Sometimes I forget and agree to go, and it is not good.
Sometimes I do not go to an event that I am interested in because I would need someone to go with me to help me get through it, and that is not fair to ask of anyone. I do not usually ask anyone if they would be willing to go with me because it is not right. So often, I never mention events I want to go to but could not. That way, only I am sad and no one else is bothered. Bad things happening are common enough that I very rarely ever consider going by myself to social events anymore.
So I stay home. It is sad. I wish things were different. I know it has bothered other people, who I was friends with before, that I would refuse to go to events and could not adequately explain why. They thought I was just antisocial, or just did not like to do things with them. I think J. knows neither of those are true, but I think he would like me to be able to do things like that with him. I wish I knew how to make it possible.
But it causes J. stress, the way I act in social situations. This has been the case for everyone I have ever known, no one has ever been ok with me and how I am in social event situations. So I told him that I would not go. I do not want to cause him stress, it is not fair to spoil his enjoyment of the event just because I want to go too. I do not need to go. It is easier for everyone if I just stay home. It is my choice, so that is the choice I made. I know it is the right one, but it is sad. I wish it were otherwise.
There have been and are MANY events like this, that I think I would find interesting but do not go. Sometimes, I do not go because I do not want to cause others stress and ruin their enjoyment of the event. This seems unavoidable, if I go to social events with someone I always ruin their enjoyment of the event no matter how hard I try to act perfectly. Sometimes I forget and agree to go, and it is not good.
Sometimes I do not go to an event that I am interested in because I would need someone to go with me to help me get through it, and that is not fair to ask of anyone. I do not usually ask anyone if they would be willing to go with me because it is not right. So often, I never mention events I want to go to but could not. That way, only I am sad and no one else is bothered. Bad things happening are common enough that I very rarely ever consider going by myself to social events anymore.
So I stay home. It is sad. I wish things were different. I know it has bothered other people, who I was friends with before, that I would refuse to go to events and could not adequately explain why. They thought I was just antisocial, or just did not like to do things with them. I think J. knows neither of those are true, but I think he would like me to be able to do things like that with him. I wish I knew how to make it possible.
Nov 3, 2011
Pictures
I take many pictures from the ferry, but have not had much time to look at them. Here are a few:
The first ones are pictures from on the ferry, mostly sunsets coming back from classes. The pictures below were all on the same day, but I took pictures of sunsets on many days. The cargo ship is from on my way to class one morning, and it came very close to the ferry so I took many pictures of it.
These are from while at school, UW in Seattle. The fountain that is lovely, but noisy. The clouds behind the buildings, many days there was a bright blue sky and lovely clouds so I had to take pictures of them.
The first ones are pictures from on the ferry, mostly sunsets coming back from classes. The pictures below were all on the same day, but I took pictures of sunsets on many days. The cargo ship is from on my way to class one morning, and it came very close to the ferry so I took many pictures of it.
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Nov 1, 2011
Today
Apparently, today was supposed to be "autistic speaking day". Sad that for a supposedly "all functioning levels inclusive" event, they'd name it something that excludes everyone who can't speak and is autistic enough to assume the name was meant literally.
I can't speak and I wouldn't claim to do so because it would be a lie so I could not participate even if I wanted to. If I cared, I might be sad about it. But I don't.
Today is special for much more interesting and important reasons. It's the first day of the new year! Last night when I got home from school, I made my little cakes. So tasty, just like they always are. A good way to honour the end of the year.The moon was out from behind clouds last night when I went out, a pretty new crescent. Very cold. There were coyotes howling too.
Last year was good. I think this year will be good too.
I can't speak and I wouldn't claim to do so because it would be a lie so I could not participate even if I wanted to. If I cared, I might be sad about it. But I don't.
Today is special for much more interesting and important reasons. It's the first day of the new year! Last night when I got home from school, I made my little cakes. So tasty, just like they always are. A good way to honour the end of the year.The moon was out from behind clouds last night when I went out, a pretty new crescent. Very cold. There were coyotes howling too.
Last year was good. I think this year will be good too.
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