Shrew paper

I finished typing the first draft of my shrew project yesterday, a literature review paper. It is 7 pages long, 1669 words. It is basically about six of the sorex species in the Pacific Northwest. Shrews: S. cinereus, S. obscurus, S. vagrans, S. monticolus, S. pacificus, and S. trwobridgii. I like scientific names, for some of the same reason I like diagnostic codes. Obviously such names are not numbers.

Literature review type articles frustrate me. Even Science, Nature, and Ecology, the three largest and most prestigious scientific journals that I know of, publish literature reviews. Literature reviews are just restating old research in new words. A practical exercise for students, but it seems illogical for researchers who have the ability to do original work and easy access to articles on original research.

Anyways, it is fully written and what is left is just a bit more editing. I have been working on this for about a month, this is a difficult and time-consuming type of project for me.

The editing, that is the most difficult part. Making it seem written by someone with the verbal and written fluency of a college student with no language problems, this has always been very difficult for me. I end up reading more research unrelated to my topic searching for specific word-phrase examples to mimic than I do reading the articles needed for the information for my paper's topic. Here, my pattern-matching ability becomes absolutely critical. Very complex patterns, but still easier that way than figuring it all out myself every time.

I had thought, until a few years ago, that everyone had difficulty with this. I thought everyone had as much difficulty with word-based languages as I did. I know now that this is not true, but knowing so has not made such assignments any easier.

This is part of why I work so hard on my journal posts, for practice. An effort to not lose what skill I currently have with words. It is a skill that is easy for me to lose, and hard to regain.

New diagnostic codes

While filling out of paperwork for my AAC device yesterday, I asked the speech therapist (my new one) about the diagnostic codes being used. Mostly because I like the numbers and I am curious.


In earlier documentation from my primary doctor is 299.00, classic autism, in addition to 299.80- aspergers. Both cannot be used simultaneously, of course, so one is obviously wrong. When I get asked, I say I have autism. It's simpler. Also I don't fit the aspergers criteria because of the language delay/disorder and I dislike that word anyways. It looks ugly and sounds ugly.

Of course, that same documentation also lists 300.00, Anxiety Disorder NOS. I'll be fighting against the anxiety thing for the rest of my life, it seems. That's ok, I've grown resigned to it and I appreciate my sanity even if my doctors do not.

The primary code being used in the new paperwork is 299.80- PDD-NOS. The aspergers diagnosis is the same code numbers, 299.80, just different words after the numbers. This bothers me. Not that PDD-NOS itself bothers me, but that they have the same code and so much be differentiated by words. At least the PDD-NOS criteria doesn't have a language delay exclusion, so it isn't obviously wrong.

Anyways, the interesting thing is the secondary speech code. The old speech therapist used 313.23- selective mutism. Theoretically, I'm not remotely close to fitting the DSM-IV criteria for that. I was never given a rationale as to why they were ignoring the criteria in my case, so I don't understand this. It's just wrong.

The new code is 315.31 Expressive Language Disorder. Although I don't understand enough to say it's right, I can at least see that 315.31 is not obviously wrong. That is good enough for me, especially given that the new speech therapist doesn't contradict me and tell me I am wrong when I describe my experiences. It isn't that I prefer one diagnostic code over another, just that wrong things always bother me and rules must be followed (including diagnostic criteria rules).

Diagnostic codes are interesting to me. Unlike ordinary description-by-words, they are precise. They link to a specific disorder. Plus, numbers in general are almost always interesting. Except, of course now PDD-NOS I know has the same code as aspergers, which wrecks that.

Guinea pigs

I re-arranged their cage, again. This time, removed the blanket bottom entirely because it's impossible to keep as clean as I want it without washing it daily. And that, I just cannot do. I taped the holes in the corners of the weird plastic cardboard stuff, so no litter, poops, or pee would escape to the carpet through the corners.

I also added another cardboard box, this time a larger one and put a plastic tray of shavings inside so it doesn't get messed like the others have. The larger guinea pig seems to approve, she hopped in right away after I put her back in the cage. She, however, still absolutely refuses to let me pick her up. The little one will stand still sometimes to let me pick her up, but I don't think she likes it. Neither seem to much like being petted, they only ever let me pet them and only very briefly, after I feed them pellets. They also seem to only barely tolerate it. Still, they are much less jumpy and obviously freaked out than when I got them about a month ago, so maybe I am doing things right.

The guinea pigs, they confuse me. Not like with hamsters, I can tell easily from their behaviour whether they are ok or not. My bunny too, he makes it VERY clear. He'll thump loudly if something displeases him, if he wants attention, if his water is not fresh enough to suit him, if the hay is inadequate, if he wants pellet-treats, etc. I've no worries about him masking his unhappiness. The guinea pigs, I have no idea how they are doing.  

I don't really know what more to do for toys. I will make them another thick blanket "tube" thing, as I think the pillowcase in there now is inadequate. They REALLY like the purple blanket loop, see my previous entry for pictures of it (http://ari-blue.blogspot.com/2011/09/new-guinea-pigs.html). So I think a second one of those, or a third maybe, so I can keep them washed without depriving them of their apparently-favorite spot.

Anyway, here is what their cage looks like now, after the weekly thorough-cleaning and some re-arrangement.

And, the two guinea pigs themselves.

Lack of self-awareness

Yesterday, I was sitting in the Provail front desk room where I normally wait until the speech therapist is ready for me. Yesterday, I was there an hour earlier for help with my TTY because I can't use it effectively. It's complicated.

A while before the appointment with the phone lady, my speech therapist came out and got my attention. She said it is loud, come wait in a quieter room. I hadn't noticed it was loud, hadn't even noticed that I was physically reacting to the noise level. I followed her to a quiet room and started crying, the change was so much better. It wasn't until I was in the quiet room that I realized how much the noise had been hurting me.

My new speech therapist, she is a perceptive person I think. I am grateful that she got me out of the noisy room. I would guess that if she hadn't I'd not have been able to do anything with the phone lady. Or with the guy who had brought two devices especially for me to try. That would have been really sad, because those devices are SUPER neat.

It is frustrating, this lack of self-awareness. Or at least, inability to realize what is going on while it is happening. I can think about it now and I realize that I should have put my ear muffs on, or moved, or done something. The front desk person would likely have been glad to help me find someplace quieter to sit, if I had asked. Of course even if I had realized how painfully loud it was, I would not have asked. It would not have occurred to me that asking was an option.

I am not sure why. Maybe it is a language use problem. That I don't understand using language to ask for things. Or maybe a time sense problem. That I don't realize I can change things, that how things are now are how they will always be and so no change is possible. Or maybe I cannot react quickly enough to what is going on around me and to me. I know that "slow brain" often seems to be used to mean "lacking intelligence" but I don't see why it couldn't be possible to be smart but still have a slow brain.

I want to know why, because not knowing why makes it hard to find solutions. Not having solutions means I have to restrict what I can do and where I can go a lot more than I really want to.

Buses

It is hard, after three days of taking one path, one bus, to switch over to taking another path and another bus. I get confused, I have to keeep referring to the maps and printed directions/schedule to make sure I am going the right way and everything is as it should be. It is difficult. Also, the second bus is so much less comfortable.

I cannot really explain why it is less comfortable. It is not the driver, or the bus itself. Probably, it is the people on the bus. But I cannot state exactly what it is that is so different, I have no idea what is different. It could also be just that this bus I take only once a week whereas the other bus I take three times a week. But I think it is more than that.

And of course, the awful touching incidents with people (males) on the bus all have happened on that one bus. The bus to school has not had anything traumatic happen, yet. So maybe it is not just me being silly, but I do not understand it.

I am too tired and out of words to write anything else today. I did get my new camera, perhaps once I get more comfortable using it I will have pictures to post.

Bus incident, AAC, guinea pig picture

Yesterday coming back from Provail, there was a terrible thing that happened on the bus. A strange guy kept hugging me, and kissing my cheek, touching me in bad ways, and writing that he loved me. I don't understand what happened, and I was too confused to realize what was happening until after I got off the bus. When I got to the ferry dock, I felt bad things, I don't exactly know what. Scared, was one, though. I was glad to get on the ferry. Once I got home, then I cried. I woke up this morning feeling not good but that might have more to do with the cold and darkness than yesterday.

J. says in the future, to not talk to people on the bus. Right now, I don't want to get on that bus ever again. And I don't want to go back to Provail either. I haven't had any problems with the bus I take to school.

It hurt. I do not mean emotionally, although I suppose it might have done that too. It was also disturbing. Too intimate, even when he just grabbed my hand to shake it but even more the hug and kisses. I don't even want a stranger's hands touching me, but a stranger's lips should absolutely NEVER be in contact with ANY part of me. But I was completely incapable of stopping it, of even telling him to stop much less shoving him off me.

Apparently, I am still just as utterly defenseless as I always have been when faced with strangers and unexpected situations. This does not suit me. It is not good. I have no idea how to fix that, and I need to because this is how it happens that I get sexually abused as often as I have. It needs to stop.

Anyway, in speech therapy yesterday I was shown what the therapist thinks so far is the best idea: A Dynavox Maestro. I don't have anything to say about it other than I like that it has buttons with words and pictures for the "confusing words", that I have trouble using just as words.

The picture below is not the format the Maestro was in while I was using it, it was more complex and fewer pictures. The therapist said it is very customizable. I could have a page set up with buttons for what I often want to tell J., for example. "You are lying" would definitely be one of those buttons.

Also, here finally is a picture of both of my new guinea pig friends, the ones I rescued a few weeks ago. I'll add it to the post I made about the guinea pigs too, so they are all in one place.

Real-Time Captioning: proof of not hearing

My disability counselor at UW suggested real-time captioning for in my classes. Basically, it is a court-reporter-style typist that provides live captioning of the classroom lecture and student commentary/questions during the lecture. I sit in front of a small laptop and read the words on the screen as the professors talk. They strive to translate every spoken word into a typed word on the screen as it's being said, although obviously this doesn't work perfectly especially since some teachers talk fast.

I thought it was worth trying, but I didn't expect any huge difference.

I was wrong. I seem to miss a huge amount of verbal content, far more than what I had ever considered. It is possible that I just worked around the problem without realizing it.

It is possible that my two classes at UW are far more information-intensive than any class I've ever had before. I suspect this is not too likely, but it is possible.

J. told me that when he speaks to me, he does not know just how much I actually understand. That sometimes he speaks to me and I don't respond and he does not know if it is because I did not understand him or just did not feel like responding. He has also said that sometimes he has to repeat himself more than once before I understand him. He told me this when I said if I understood him just fine, then why wasn't I understanding others. I thought I almost always responded to him when he talked to me.

So it is more likely the first explanation I think, that I miss-understand verbal information far more than I had thought.

I fully admit that the majority of the time I really don't care what people are saying. But, I want that to be my choice. I want to be able to choose to listen when I want to.