The zoo, and afterwards

So I got to go to the zoo with my zoo friend again last weekend. It was fun, I got to see a lot of animals that I haven't seen yet and also some of the animals I'd already seen before and like.

The penguins of course, I really like watching the penguins. At a different "window" thing, the glass was taller so the closest I could get was my hands on the glass. But they still followed the hat string, and sometimes even my fingers, which was neat. I once again forgot to take any pictures. Maybe next time.

I saw many really neat birds, some even really big ones too. So many, I don't remember the names. A person on flickr posted some of the names for me, which was really nice of them.

I saw small cats, resting or sleeping in tree structures, so hard to take pictures of and so hard to make the picture come out right on the computer. Such pretty cats. I wish really really wish I could see cats and touch them, I've seen people on TV get to touch big cats, even pet and scratch their heads, but I guess only trained people can do that. I would be so very neat though, if I could someday. These cats, I think they were ocelots. Rainforest cats. I really liked the rain forest section, I hope I can see it again.

There was a very pretty blue frog in the rain forest section, and I got a picture of it. Shiny blue, very very pretty.

I saw the baby tortoises again, they are so cute and tiny. My friend, he put a penny up against the tank so there would be a size reference. I was able to put that near the babies in the pictures and it helps remind me how big they actually are. They are so small. I know they will grow bigger.

I saw trumpeter swans, and I heard them too. I had read about them in a story, a fairy tale, but I'd never seen or heard any real ones so it was really neat. They sound a tiny bit like Canada geese, but only a tiny bit. It was startling but I am glad to have heard them.

I saw flamingos, and they are such strange birds. I know most of it is their colouring, it is so strange. I took a picture of them, but I don't know if I much like looking at it.

This bird was really fluffy and soft looking, I liked it a lot.

I saw the orangutans again, and I got a picture of the older guy resting under his blanket.

I saw pigeons, I remembered they were pigeons but I'd forgotten what kind (nicobar pigeons, so the flickr person said). They were shiny, black with iridescent colours blue and green, very very pretty. Very very difficult to stay back and not touch, there was only a wire "rope" between me and them. But I didn't, I'd have scared them probably and I really dislike scaring animals.

And, I saw two kangaroos. I saw one kangaroo walking, my friend told me they use their tale as a leg when they walk and I watched the kangaroo do that. So strange! I had to find out more about it, about their tails. I can't find much information about them. Even the National Geographic site says very little. I want to know more, how they walk on their tails, the mechanics of it, it is interesting. And how, they don't have to exert much force to bounce on their rear legs. Like springs, he said, which is what it looked like when the kangaroo bounced instead of walked. It was neat, I hope I can see them again.

I wrote more, and sectioned it off below, about what happened after the zoo.



I thought it was a great day at the zoo. I don't know what went wrong. I don't even really remember. I know we were going to see other animals, and then things got fuzzy and confusing and broken up, and I was in the car with my corset suffocating me because I was freaking out. And then, the slow and frustrating process of calming myself down and recovering from it. I'd forgotten, so exhausting. It isn't exactly "gaps" in my memory, but my memory of that time is fractured, broken up, chaotic, doesn't make sense. So I don't know what went wrong.



I know I made two obvious mistakes. First, I forgot my ear muffs for the ferry trip, and didn't remember that I had foam earplugs I could have used instead. The second mistake, I forgot to take some ativan before going to the zoo, although I have no idea how much difference that really makes.

It could have been much worse. And, it at least wasn't dangerous. My zoo friend, he didn't abandon me like others have before, I wasn't in unsafe places, and I didn't get hurt. I mean not hurt much and not by anyone other than me. I did not hurt myself too badly, either. I don't think anyone's ever tried to stop me from hurting myself before, but it was good that he did. Not being touched, that wasn't so good, but I don't want to hurt myself. I just can't prevent it and that makes me just so much more frustrated.

I think I am bad for dumping responsibility for me on my zoo friend. I am supposed to be an adult, afterall, not a helpless child. It isn't fair, he shouldn't have to deal with that.

I think, it is important to note that I am doing so very much better than when I was a child. Such freak-outs happened multiple times every day and with a lot less reason, then. I'd behave far worse too, screaming and throwing things and aggressively hurting myself and everyone near me. I am also much better at calming down and accepting help, now. When I was a child the only thing anyone could do was leave me alone and hope I'd scream myself out and fall asleep. Looking at me or trying to communicate with me in any way, made it worse. Now, I know that it's important to try to communicate when I can. The struggle to get the right words, it can make me more frustrated and that makes it worse. But it is also a way of forcing order, organization, the opposite of chaos, in to my brain and that is helpful. It is the knowing, using, words, the order and logic and structure of language, I think, that has made such a huge difference for me (although I'm told it's just age, more maturity, I don't think I'd be the same without the ordering of language in my brain). So now, instead of rejecting it all (communication), I try really hard to force my brain to make the words and it helps I think. I don't know if it helps the people around me and I don't know how much of what I write makes any sense, but it helps me.


I wish more than anything else that I had a portable typing device that I could use easily, that was durable to not break under my fingers. My iphone's keyboard is not usable unless I'm calm, and my little laptop is far too fragile to touch when I'm freaked out. I've seen some that have typing, and word-pictures too. Pictures are easier than words, of course. I don't know if typing would have the same ordering effect as writing.