Ever since I was very small, I knew that for anyone to find out would be The End. It was the one lie that I told, to doctors and therapists, to teachers, to anyone who asked just in case they might have influence that I didn't know about. It came from something my bio-mother said, that I will always remember. She said if I could not learn to take care of my body, of that which "God" had given to me as a gift, then my right to my body, my autonomy, my freedom would be taken away. I do not know whether she actually meant to threaten me with institutionalization or if it was simply a careless remark not meant to be taken seriously or literally. (I wouldn't be surprised if she was serious, she didn't hesitate to have me committed to a mental hospital for what basically was her inability to cope with me.) But it made a huge impression on me, regardless of if she meant it or not.
Most of the actual tasks by themselves I am capable of doing. It is knowing WHAT to do, WHEN, and HOW, and then remembering that for all of the dozens of tasks for every single day. It is overwhelming, this set of tasks that my body requires of me. It appears to be completely arbitrary to me, so I am left confused and unable to figure it out.
What I have heard from others is that they simply "listen to their bodies", whatever that is supposed to mean. But my body does not "communicate" with me, by any definition of that word, in any way that I could ever connect to a need. What I feel from my body usually makes no sense to me.
I used to organize self-care tasks in to lists, but losing the lists proved disastrous. Now if I have something important to do that day, I just skip self-care and deal with it later rather than risk being late.
It is one more of those "too smart to be having such problems" type of thing. I am too smart to not be able to figure out how to take care of my body properly. It doesn't make sense. How could I be this smart, and yet have such problems with simple tasks.
At least I'm unlikely to get institutionalized for it now. It would take a lot more than just trouble with self-care. So now it is just a personal challenge. One more thing that I am ashamed of having trouble with. At least this is generally not noticeable to others, unlike some other "too smart to have trouble with" problems.
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I welcome anyone to comment on any of my posts. All comments require approval. I will reject hateful and irrelevant comments. I do read comments left on my journal, but I tend to only reply to those with questions.