So the university I've applied to has an "autism center" connected to it in some way, I am not really sure what it is. The specialist who confirmed my autism diagnosis formally for school said that I should contact the autism center for help. Which by itself is stressful. I've never had "help" for being autistic before. As a child, I didn't deserve help because nothing was actually wrong with me besides being a "bad kid". Or unmotivated. Or lazy. Or defiant. Or whatever adjective my parents and teachers could come up with that meant it was my fault. Such a kid doesn't get "help", they get punishment.
Not that punishment was all that awful for me, it involved being sent to my room without supper most of the time. Being the only girl in a fairly old-fashioned family, I of course had my own room (with books and a hidden cache of stuffed animals). Being sent to my room was good. It was often what I needed if I was really upset, although not for the reasons my parents always thought.
So the idea of being told to ask for help just because of who or what I am, that seems very strange. Wrong.
Even more difficult, the website for the autism center says they only help children and teenagers and young adults. I am too old. J. says to email them regardless and I will. Eventually. I have an email written, but I am having trouble sending it. It is not an easy thing, to break rules, to do something that is wrong.
It would just be a nice change for something to *not* be so difficult, but that is not likely to ever happen. I thought I would be used to things being difficult by now.
It is not just overwhelming, that by itself wouldn't be so challenging. It is that I do not even know if I am doing the right things to achieve my goals. But it is not like I could do anything differently even if I knew what I was doing was wrong. I wouldn't know what else to do. I have heard about people talk about "paths" in life, and how everyone has a choice in what "path" they decide to "walk". I do not, there is only this way, I know of no alternatives, I see no choices. No other possibilities exist to me. Right or wrong, this is how I have to do things.
Frustrating... I feel so stupid. Blind. Ignorant. Oblivious, maybe. I don't know the right word...
I've always been oblivious, blind, and "out of the loop". Sometimes it turned out that the "friends" I had only saw me as a form of amusement, and it would hurt to find that out. It's so difficult being an Aspie, and also difficult to ask for help.
ReplyDeleteClay, that wasn't what I meant when I said I was oblivious. I don't care what others think of me, so it doesn't matter whether I know what they think of me or not. It's unimportant, people can think whatever they want.
ReplyDeleteI meant oblivious in terms of what to do in life, of how to accomplish what needs to be done.